Just a thinker

I've always believed that things happen for a reason. People who come into my life for a reason. Knowing clearly that I am not going to be here forever, I tried my best not to let people into my life.. So as not to make my leaving harder as it is going to be.
But as a normal human being, we naturally need connection.. Connection with another.. needless to say, bonds were made stronger for those are already in place.. New ones were made and here to stay..
Everyday can be a struggle but one can make the best out of it, which one would you choose?
Choose to live the life full of colors, adventures, love and happiness. Not only to your own, but to people around you, strangers even.
A smile, a nod, a word of Thanks or sorry.. It makes a difference.

Happy Lunar New Year to all!! While welcoming the year of Water Dragon, its also the time to do some reflection of what we have done in the year of 2011. :) And of cos, to come up with this year resolutions.
2011
Travels: Koh Phi Phi, Phuket, Seoul, Hong Kong, Macau, China (Guilin, Kunming, Lijiang)
Visitors: Ryan & partner, Aoife, Heikki, and most importantly, my beloved Peter.

Needless to say, it had been a busy year for me. Other than juggling time between work, personal life, family and friends, maintaining the long distance relationship has also been a commitment.

Life is always full of up and down. Through every pitfall we went through, the more understanding we have of each other. Though we did not speak of the feelings deep inside of us, somehow we both do know clearly how we really felt for each other.

2012
Work - I can feel and see that there will be more responsibilites to come.. And i really hope that i can achieve my goals before the year ends, or before i leave the place. I dont know when i'll be able to go back, but i have to start working on it in order to be with him.
This is one thing that i know that i want to do for sure. I dont know why, but my heart is telling me to head that direction, although my brain is telling me not to because of the current europe economy status.

I've set some goals to achieve this year obviously, but how ready am i? Honestly, i do not know.
All i do know is that im going to put in my very best to what is ahead of me. :)

I am feeling weary, exhausted.. not just physically.. but emotionally, psychologically as well.. Dont know why and really dont understand why too.. why are people around me always have high expectations of me.. ever since i can remember.. and yes, i have always push myself to meet their expectations, and i have certainly have not let anyone down so far.. but now.. im tired... really tired... i just wanna be free from all these.. i just wanna be me. i just wanna be free.

Time passed by in a flash when life is too busy, too occupied to slow down and smell the roses along the way..
Once again, it always happens when im feeling really drained and yet still staying up in the night, and probably this is my best time to pen down my thoughts.. :)
Recently realised that my wall of self protection is up again.. or maybe im just being sensitive to my surroundings. Its not that i don't feel safe but im just being very wary of people (strangers) around me.
And why i mentioned that im feeling exhausted is because i had lost my cool on wednesday at work, and i dont like it, at all. Siti mentioned that she thinks that i am slowly becoming someone whom i dont like.. And yes, I have to learn how to keep my cool and level headed. I want to be in full control, and i have to.

Like i have mentioned, next week seems to be the 'happening' week.. and to add on some tension and stress to the suspense of 'waiting'.. it seems that P's mum has pieced everything together by herself and know about our relationship.. O M G is the first 3 letters that came across my mind and the next thing i felt.. worries.. i am really not ready yet.. i can understand totally about her worries, while i am thousand miles away, everything about us just doesnt seem to be working right.. but really.. all i want to say to her is, please do not worry.. we will work it out ourselves.. but oh god.. honestly.. i dont really like this kind of feeling when i can feel the suspicions, doubts, judgements, insecurities.. but i also dun want to make the same mistake again by freaking myself out before anything is really going to happen.. So now, I have to tell myself to stay calm, be strong, have faith and believe. im just hoping that and dont want him to face these stress, questions, doubts by himself..

Next week is going to be an exciting week, i think.. and i can feel it already.. :D

Awaiting for an offer from one of the main hosp in singapore.. awaiting for a reply from another hosp.. and of course, waiting for my tax refund from ireland, which is long overdue!!

Another good news or one thing i am really looking forward is having one of my girlies whom i know from dublin, is coming over to spore for xmas and new year! I am definitely missing the good company that i have been having from dublin so much!! Its not that i am not having fun with my friends here in singapore, but it is kinda totally different. ;)

Good things are definitely happening (finally) as the year of 2010 is coming to the end, and of cos the new year awaits. :)

Somehow, sometimes, i do have a little regrets of moving back home.. but it is also because that i have moved back to singapore, that has made Peter do all the small little things that have touched me in many ways.. Coming all the way to singapore for 3weeks for holidays.. despite of having a bad back and couldnt sleep on the long haul flight.. spending every single minute together for the 3 weeks he was here.. and he has asked me to go back to dublin.. even now, he is trying to learn mandarin on his ipod on his own.. even though i really want to go back there, but the difficult part is for me to get a job there, and it is not as easy as it used to be.. every day, everytime we chat on skype, it makes me miss him more and wished that i am back in dublin.. i miss everything back there, the city, my friends, the fashion.. lol ;)

Wish me all the luck, have faith & stay strong!! :)

Many things have happened since i came back home this summer. There are so people whom i grew closer to, and there are also a few whom i grew apart with.. Sadly to say, im refering to my family.. Lots of the old memories came back to me, true feelings were finally opened up to, and although i do understand of why he would behave that way to me, and none of us can change the past, we would have to live with it and get on with it. We cant choose our parents, that i know. And we just have to accept it, that i did. We all have to forgive and forget, that i tried and thought i did, but somehow, i dont really think so. But im blessed in a way, that i have my siblings to count on, and through all these years, we have indeed grown closer and we are actually the ones that keep the family together. We are all different but similar in some ways or another, loving & supporting one another in our own ways, that is one of the reasons why i came back home, because i dont want to miss the important part of my little nephew's growing up, and certainly dont want to miss the times that i can spend with my little brother before he settles down with his own family.

Last night had one of my worst night ever that i will never forget.. but it was also one of the 'best' night i had with my brother after the heart-to-heart talk..

It has been a long while since i had cried so hard over family matters, and last night i really hope it will be my last one. I could not even remember when was the last time when i had cried over family matters. Since i moved back home in june, this was the second time that i had a heated argument with my father. And once again, i felt like a total stranger, outsider in this household. Lots of memories, feelings came gushing back into my brain.. and it struck me last night.. That why did i leave the place in the beginning, how was i being treated so unfairly by my parents for all these years.. how unhappy i had been in the family when i was growing up, how unattached i was.. how much i want to be away from the family.. all these feelings came back to me.. Maybe its like this saying goes, "There are things that you can forgive, but will never forget" And yes, these are the ones.

Maybe its like what my brother said, Dad will only, has only been venting out on me, and not on the rest of the family members.. because i am just as stubborn as he is, and also that i was the reason why he got married in the first place... geez.. really, that was the first time it struck me.. yes, that totally make sense! but hey, seriously, that wasn't my fault at all!! They could have just aborted me, and save me from these unfair treatment. And yes, i know and i have got it over that i cant change or choose my parents, my family, and that was when i had forgiven them and accepted the cruel fact, but after all what i have done, and yet, that was what i was being treated back last night.. honestly, for that split second, i really want to give up, pack up and leave. But i didnt.. and i couldnt.. thinking and knowing that my brother has been the one backing the family up since i was gone, and the hardship that he had gone through.. it broke my heart. I really want to be by his side and support him, because it is my brother and sister whom i really came back for, wanting to spend more quality time with them, making up for the lost time since i was away. It is because of my siblings that i am still with this family, without them, i would not even want to try to keep this family strong and together.

Being different in this family is not easy, and honestly, it has been kinda lonely as well.. but now, since i know that my dear siblings are totally supportive & accepting of whom i am, i know that i dun have to worry about anything, but to just focus on myself and be happy.

Have faith, be strong & confident.

Happy Birthday to me today! :)
Waking up everyday is a blessing, as I am still alive.
Im glad that I am no longer sad when i see pics of C & his gf. Instead i felt a chill..
Guess Time really heals all wounds isnt?
Be it that i know C will always be somewhere hidden in my heart, but as long as he is happy, im good. :)
We might have missed each other's boat, but im glad that at least we have found another and we are happy.

Trial

Found this app on iTunes That enables me to post on blogger on my iPhone n finds this really cool!! 
One more day to Peter's arrival!!

As the day is drawing near for my sweet boyfriend to be here, the idea of having him over here, meetin my family and friends... i realised that i am starting to get cold feet....... (again)
I supposed to be very excited.. but i am very calm now... i remembered that whenever i used to get all excited about something/someone.. it always turned out bad... so as time goes, i have slowly changed that hyperexcitement to the super calmness... even in this relationship.. i am playing super cool too... keepin it low profile... just the total opposite from what i used to be/do...
honestly, im not sure how this is going to work this time.. but i do hope its all for the best, for the both of us..

I had the brilliant chance just now, to tell my beloved granny about me dating this sweet lovely irish guy... but i couldnt even say it out... not because im afraid that she would disapprove of it.. its just that i dun want her to be disappointed if things didnt work out in the later part (which of cos i hope not).. maybe its just not the right time yet to tell her... its just not the right time to tell the family yet.. especially my ever-scrutinizing mum.. there's stil abt 1mth left.. i'll just have to wait til the day is comin near...

Sometimes i do feel that i must have been born on the wrong side of the world
Sometimes, being different from the typical girls that i've known since growing up, its not easy to to be myself one hundred percent..
Sometimes, i do think that i have this multiple personality disorder, of course not in the destructive way.. :) but in a good way..
Good in the sense that i have different group of friends whom loved the side ofme when im with them.. it does kinda balance my personalities ;)

How easy does one person fall in love with another?
What about falling out of love?
Given the exposure of all the temptations that are out there.. how long can one person restrain hiimself from falling into the trap?

Just like what i told one of my BFF, A, I know i can trust him, that's why i can do the long distance with him.
In the past r/s, it has all been the other one that i was with, who betrayed me, and so i did the same thing too.
Someone said, " When two people are together, it can either bring the best of each other or the worst"

Im not saying that all the past relationship has brought out the devilish me, its more of the circumstances that brought it out.

I have almost forgot about the idealistic part of me on relationship, especially after being through with the not-so-good ones.. ..

but this time, and the one before this, is slowly reminding myself of what i used to believe. . .

When two people are truly in love with each other, they will have to brave through all the dangers, storms, earthquakes together, by believing in each other and themselves.

As much as i dont really wanna admit to it, but i cant deny it too, about last night, and what i feel and think.. i did had a great night out with an old friend of mine, had my 1st beer after so long, dressing up n feeling great, it does brings back lots of good memories n feelings of being single n available, being in the field of the game of love.. The Good, Old, Wild Days..

Of course, i am already not like what i used to be, although we all knew there's always this wild side of me, in me somewhere. Everyone grows up, and so did i.

Being with someone now, who is an idealist, romantic in heart & so simple, someone whom i was like, before the wild, rebellious side of me was released, and got into the world of all temptations.. has made me more grounded than before, and careful of not falling into any of the traps of these temptations.. This is going to be a real test of perseverance, patience, trust, understanding, all in the name of true love.

I just hope that this time, there is no single dishonesty or lies in between us, from the beginning till the end.

I think and I feel that i might have already get onto another track, that i have not really fully realised it till now. . .
but of course, after now, that i had woke up from my own dream,
i am actually glad that im on this track.

I love every minute that we had spent together,
even til this moment when we are both in different countries, different continent, different time,
the way he makes me laugh, our small conversations, even to the tiniest details of the times that we had. . . it is heartwarming.

It is good to know and feel that he really loves me, and maybe i am really that important to him. just 6more weeks to go.. and i am excited to have him over here, even just for 3weeks. . .

Family time is slowly becoming important as i grow up, especially after being living away from home..
Just by being home, just having a simple dinner on a saturday evening.. all these simple things made me happy now.
I have always been a very easily content, easy to please person.
I am glad to have my family and my friends here. ;)

I wonder why some would think that i am not that strong. . .
although i do understand that they just want to protect me from the hurt that i would have. . .
but honestly, what is really good for me.. is to just tell me the truth. . .
let it hurt me now, then to be late. . .
and so that i can get over with it sooner, than later. . .
all i want is to hear it from you personally, so that i wont spend the time hoping, wishing. . .
and to actualy spend time to heal my wound, as it has always been. . .

Somehow, thanks for at least telling me (now) still. . .
although everytime i think of Japan, you comes into my mind. . .
you will always be there somewhere in there. . .
even till the day when it doesnt hurt anymore. ;)

There's always this saying, 'The best is always the one that you can't have'
Guess there is some truth in it :)
Sometimes, no matter how deep you try to bury the feelings down in the heart,
no matter how hard you have tried to let it all go,
somehow, it still hurts..
Let time heal the wounds, and it will not hurt anymore.

Finally the chapter is closed, but i wasnt expecting it to hurt so much, all over again...

It is never easy to mend a broken heart,
Never easy to let go of someone whom u really loved,
But when its time to let go.. or when the one whom you loved has already let you go,
U know the time is here.

Things always happen for a reason, and i still believed that..

Somehow, the time has come.

Time to close the door completely, and open the other.