Are you afraid of dying?

A lot of people do. I can understand and know why are they afraid of it. People don't like to talk about it, don't want to think about it. People yearns to have a long life. Seriously, its really not about how long yr life is, but it's how u have lived yr life. The quality of life, not the quantity.
Same goes to the number of friends one has. Its the number of friends whom one can count on, can trust, not the number of 'friends' you have in yr telephone list, or in yr FB account.

One dying patient, who has been really difficult lately, is going through the denial stage and obviously afraid of death. Screaming, shouting at and for the nurses in every 5-10minutes, is no joke at all. Through my nursing career, this is the 2nd patient who is doing that. I can still remember my 1st patient on my 1st attachment as nursing student. Had this patient who was really rude, impatient, and was giving out to whoever was taking care of him. He was alone, no family, bled to death on my 3rd day of duty. I remembered that i was cursing him after my 2nd day with him as he was really giving me a very hard time then. When he passed away on the 3rd day, i felt so guilty for cursing him, wishing that i could take every word back, i was still a student, hot-headed gal, whom don't really know what was he going through then. I remembered him all these years, because he taught me a life lesson abt holding my temper, keeping my head cool.

This time round, this dying patient is almost the same like my 1st patient.. but is worse.. And i can say that i am proud of myself because i dealt with him more calmly, and i actually empathise with him, and i can understand what is he going through, and not 'cursing' him, and i didnt, well, couldnt raise my voice at him, not even once. But his main nurse was almost bursting in tears, that is why i helped to attend to him, even though i had my hands full with my confused patient. It was one of the worst day at work honestly. Not feeling good at all too, with a throbbing & tension headache for the whole day at work. But at the end of the day, i was glad to say that at least my colleague was appreciative for the help.

Of cos, there are people who are dying, are totally opposite. I had met some dying patients, who were really sweet too. Some liked it quiet, peaceful. Some were still making plans for their families.

What about you?
What will you do?
Have you even thought about it?
Would it change Your Life?

It has, for me.

So, nw this is my new pad, just 2 streets away frm the apartment actualy, and tat is also why i can move my things over by myself. During the move, my 'new best friend' is my bicycle! LOL when i was planning to move, i was actualy planning to use the shopping cart frm the supermarket to help carry my things.. but on the actual moving, i realised tat i can use my bicycle anyway! ;)

Small, but big enough for me. i had viewed a lot of plces before i came to this one, and i liked it at the 1st time.
Just like when i 1st saw coco (my dog), i loved him at the very 1st sight, and i have to get him, spending 4hours in the pet shop convincing my mum to let me get him ;) although i do wished tat he could be with me here in dublin, but its not goin to b an easy trip for him to b on the plane for more than 12hours.. and as i knw tat i wont b stayin in dublin for long, leaving him in spore wif my family is actualy the best n wise choice for the both of us.

So now, having this plce to myself, i can also actualy offer my couch to couchsurfers too. ;) after i reali get it all done up 1st, tat is

There's always mixed feelings when u r moving hse.. Although i had been tinking of moving out since last yr, but there's always something tats holdin me back, or im always busy with something else and moving out is always at the bottom on my list.



But finally, i had found a plce tat i can stay on my own, and moving out this time is not an easy as i moved in. ;)

still, i managed to move my stuffs with minimal help frm anyone, i moved almost all my stuffs on my own! it is till this day tat i admit tat i do hav some characteristics frm my mum!! we tend to do things on our own, dun usually ask for help, unless we really need it. if we can do it by ourselves, we'll do it. so, yea, im pretty proud of myself tat i did it on my own, wel, abt 90% of the moving. ;)



Of cos, before officially giveing back the keys to the agent, i spent a few moments in the empty apartment where i had stayed for almost 2yrs in dublin. lots of memories in it.. wif chris, aunty mary, chermaine, lily, ting, whom had 'stayed' wif me when they were here in dub :)



These are the teddy bears which i left behind.. although they were all presents for me, and i usualy dun throw away presents frm pple. but this time, i would hav to, cos i wouldnt b bringin them back to spore when i eventually leave dub anyway, so might as wel, dump them nw then to bring them over to the new plce.



My fav plce of the apt is not my room, but the balcony. ;) It is where i can get a beautiful view of the mountains, where i would sit at when the sun is shining bright on it.. where i sometimes stood on it and admire the dark starry & quiet night. the day when i left, the sun was shining, and i spent my last moments in the apt sitting at the balcony. ;)

I found myself justifying my decision that i have made today, which i find it rather weird as i seldom do tat.
Maybe because i felt a little guilty for rejecting the offer
But i still did. ;) and im glad i had.
Was supposed to work today, but one of the staff who is suppose to be on leave, turned up for work stil, so we r overstaffed. Not wanting to be deployed out to other plce, 1 of us can take the leave instead. None of them wants to take the leave, mainly because its public holiday today, so its double pay, and of cos work will not b that busy, who doesnt want this kind of deal? Wel, obviously not me. Since no one wants to take the leave, i took it, mainly because i AM really tired. So, cycled back home.

Just got home for abt 10mins, got a call frm the ward, and asked me if i want to go back to hosp to work in the ICU, as they are short of staffs, will b working as bank shift, which also means more pay, but, i just cycled to n fro to hosp! She mentioned that one of them might b pulled out to the ICU if they couldnt get any1. Wel, seriously, if im in charge, in the 1st plce, i would ask the staff who suppose to b on leave to go home, instead of asking someone else to go when she doesnt want to. its her fault for not checkin the roster. So, overstaffed, the one who wil get deployed wil b the staff who is suppose to b on leave. cos she is not suppose to b in the ward anyway. So, if icu need staff, she can go there. But i also know that none of them wants to go to ICU. Usually i would jump to the opportunity to be deploy to ICU, but not this time. They know tat too. Honestly, i dont want to be taken advantage anymore by these pple.

There are so many times when i had helped them so much and in the end, when i needed one, they just feigned ignorance. Too many times! So, now, i think i am too frustrated working with these kind of pple that i really dont want to be bothered. I know too, that there are always these kind of pple anywhere. So when i was justifying my decision for not going back to hosp to work, i was like "why do i want to care if any of them will be pulled out to ICU?" Should i even b bothered? No, i seriously dont want to.

So, with the grey weather in dublin, the best way to spend the day with the exhausted body and mind, is to stay in. And so, i did. I slept from 10am - 6pm!! This shows hw tired i am, hw much rest i need!!

Now, im happy!! Its right not to work, even when it means more money.
Money cant buy health!! ;) anyway, if i do work today, the pay wil b taxed n i will only b gettin a small fraction of it, so y bother?

I have this sudden urge of going back home.. i feel exhausted, totally burnt out.
This feeling of wanting to stop has been bugging me on and off
Feeling of tiredness of travelling the world suddenly came to me
This is bothering me now
Guess my body is telling me to stop n rest as the episodes of palpitation is getting more frequent
Maybe its because i'll be going to london soon, for the Singapore Day in London, that is causing me to miss home more
I know i do missed being home with friends & family, especially when looking through pics of gatherings being organised at home and im not there
I know i do want to spend more time with my dog, Coco. Especially after watching Marley & Me, and 10 Promises to my dog.. made me miss him a lot more. & Knowing that he might not have a lot of time with us, made me feeling so guilty for being away from home for 2yrs, and this is going to be my 3rd yr in dublin.
I hope to be around to see my nephew, Jaden, my godson, Kayden & Goddaughter, Xylvia grow up. Im glad that my sis has got a webcam nw(finaly) and i can see him and my sis online.
Maybe i should slow down, but i kept feeling that i dont have much time
I know that i have always wished that i dont have a long lifespan, cos i dont want to be left behind, being the last one to go.. but i dont reali want to be the 1st one to go too
Like i told Annie before, at my funeral, i dont want my family & friends to be wearing black.
White is my favourite. I love colours. I want white lilies for my funeral. and my funeral will be done up like a photo gallery, where it will display my fav pics tat i have taken, with family, friends, travel.
There are times when i asked myself, what's my real purpose in life. I dont reali knw yet.
I am grateful for everything that has happened to me, for me & with me
For all whom i have met, known and loved, im thankful for all the memories, lessons that you have given me.
I would say that i have no regrets so far for all the decisions that i have made in my life.

So now, "What would you change if you can turn back time?"

Nothing.

After 2 weeks of annual leave, travelling to Amsterdam & Budapest, now im back to working schedule. Guess getting back to the reality is always not an easy task.

Through these trips, i'd learned something more abt myself, got to know pple more. And i totally agree to this phrase saying that, 'There are some friends whom you cant travel with' and
'Travelling can either break the friendship or bond it more'

For my travel, i love to do things on my own, at my pace, with no tourguide. I like to roam ard the city with a map, finding my way ard, which i dont always have any prob as i wil always read abt the city b4 i go on the trip. Sometimes, i will go to the city without doing any homework, and just see what i can get/see along the way.

Weather is also very impt during travel too! Amsterdam is the 2nd city that was raining for the days that i was there, Prague was the 1st. I love Sun, dun mind the snow, but not rain!! !!
I loved the rain when back in singapore, but not in Europe! That is something that i love n hate!!
So, wil prob go back to Amsterdam again, if i can, to really see the city & the real Holland. ;)
and i can skip the red light district part, as i have seen enough, cos thats prob the area that im quite familiar with, after stayin near ther for the 3nights when we're there.

Cant realli write too much nw, cos im tryin to concentrate, but mind is running all over the plce.

I don't remember when was the last time i wrote about the ugly side of people, or when was the last time i was upset about it. Honestly, i had known well enough n good enough not to be upset, but this time, it is different, because i had never thought he would even twist the fact to people whom i also know. I am now even making sure that i am not writing in abbreviations, because this fellow cant even spell properly.. and he might even read this, and i do hope he does too!

To cut the story short - i will just put dwn the facts then. And in fact, i am going to be brutally honest about what i feel then.

- I initiate the break-up

- i prefer my man to be clean shaven & clean looking

- he is too immature

- he thinks he is the best dancer in belfast (in 2007)

- he thinks he knows everything in this world

- the relationship was only about 2months

- broke up with him about 1-2 weeks after valentines day 2007

- i was already bored, frustrated, can't stand him before valentines

- i LIED to him about the reason for the breakup

- its NOT because i was stil in love with Willy

- No one who is smart, will say bad or negative things about his teammates, unless you want to

be out of the team.

There are lots of other things that happened after the breakup, but i don't have to go into that.

I might have said these to Channey & Rebecca, but not to anyone else in the dublin salsa scene. But of cos now, i am blogging it, which also means openly, to whoever is reading this.

When i remain silent, it doesn't mean that you can bully me, in any way that you think you can.
Do not even ever try again, to say things that are not true.
Do not say anything when you don't even know anything about it.

And honestly, calling yourself as sexym@#%#, i think it is the funniest joke ever!
A lot of people think the same way as I do, fyi.

P.S - fyi = for your information
just in case you don't know what it is. ;)

Tampere - my 2nd experience of couchsurfing, With Heikki (the guy with specs) & Jonna

















Brought me to the frozen lake, and you can actually see how thick is the snow then.
I think this is very cool n amazing, when we're actually walkin on the lake! i can imagine looking upon the same lake, in the summer. tat is awesome!

Lots of pple went to the lake, skating, skiing, with their dogs, kids with their sleighs, sleds.. ther's also a mobile cafe at the middle of the lake where we got our hotdogs & my hot chocolate. This whole lake is so big that it actualy felt lke i was @ the snow desert. ;)

This is Jonna, Heikki's galfren. Had a great time with her, although it was heikki whom i wrote to in couchsurfing. ;) A very patient, fun, chatty gal!




























Walking through the 'snow desert' to the Sauna plce, which is kinda at the other end of the lake. i think we were walking through the lake for prob 30mins. It is really no joke to walk on the snow!! Wel, its really a form of good exercise, Jonna said its gd for the calves. ;)




















































The biggest adventure / challenge of my life so far!!! Jumping into the frozen lake!!!
And i am totally proud of myself cos i did it 3 times!! !! !!
I was hesitant initially honestly, when jonna & heikki asked me if i can dip into the pool when we were in the sauna. I thought to myself, " wel, this is prob / mayb goin to b my 1st & last time to hav that experience, so just do it!" Out in the snow frm the sauna only with my bikini, it didnt feel tat cold, and i was holding onto Jonna's arm while walkin to the pool. After my 1st dip in the pool, i was sure that i wouldnt want to do it again. But when we were in the sauna the 2nd time, and it was time to get out of the heat, Jonna asked again - "Do u want to go to the pool or do u want to try to rol on the snow. I prefer to roll on the snow." Rolling on the snow with my bikini, u must b kidding! So i opt to go into the pool again! and nw, it was fun! so in the end, i dipped into the frozen lake 3 times, instead of once. LOL
So Pat on my back!! Heikki & Jonna were proud of me too! :)