Last night had one of my worst night ever that i will never forget.. but it was also one of the 'best' night i had with my brother after the heart-to-heart talk..

It has been a long while since i had cried so hard over family matters, and last night i really hope it will be my last one. I could not even remember when was the last time when i had cried over family matters. Since i moved back home in june, this was the second time that i had a heated argument with my father. And once again, i felt like a total stranger, outsider in this household. Lots of memories, feelings came gushing back into my brain.. and it struck me last night.. That why did i leave the place in the beginning, how was i being treated so unfairly by my parents for all these years.. how unhappy i had been in the family when i was growing up, how unattached i was.. how much i want to be away from the family.. all these feelings came back to me.. Maybe its like this saying goes, "There are things that you can forgive, but will never forget" And yes, these are the ones.

Maybe its like what my brother said, Dad will only, has only been venting out on me, and not on the rest of the family members.. because i am just as stubborn as he is, and also that i was the reason why he got married in the first place... geez.. really, that was the first time it struck me.. yes, that totally make sense! but hey, seriously, that wasn't my fault at all!! They could have just aborted me, and save me from these unfair treatment. And yes, i know and i have got it over that i cant change or choose my parents, my family, and that was when i had forgiven them and accepted the cruel fact, but after all what i have done, and yet, that was what i was being treated back last night.. honestly, for that split second, i really want to give up, pack up and leave. But i didnt.. and i couldnt.. thinking and knowing that my brother has been the one backing the family up since i was gone, and the hardship that he had gone through.. it broke my heart. I really want to be by his side and support him, because it is my brother and sister whom i really came back for, wanting to spend more quality time with them, making up for the lost time since i was away. It is because of my siblings that i am still with this family, without them, i would not even want to try to keep this family strong and together.

Being different in this family is not easy, and honestly, it has been kinda lonely as well.. but now, since i know that my dear siblings are totally supportive & accepting of whom i am, i know that i dun have to worry about anything, but to just focus on myself and be happy.

Have faith, be strong & confident.

Happy Birthday to me today! :)
Waking up everyday is a blessing, as I am still alive.
Im glad that I am no longer sad when i see pics of C & his gf. Instead i felt a chill..
Guess Time really heals all wounds isnt?
Be it that i know C will always be somewhere hidden in my heart, but as long as he is happy, im good. :)
We might have missed each other's boat, but im glad that at least we have found another and we are happy.

Trial

Found this app on iTunes That enables me to post on blogger on my iPhone n finds this really cool!! 
One more day to Peter's arrival!!

As the day is drawing near for my sweet boyfriend to be here, the idea of having him over here, meetin my family and friends... i realised that i am starting to get cold feet....... (again)
I supposed to be very excited.. but i am very calm now... i remembered that whenever i used to get all excited about something/someone.. it always turned out bad... so as time goes, i have slowly changed that hyperexcitement to the super calmness... even in this relationship.. i am playing super cool too... keepin it low profile... just the total opposite from what i used to be/do...
honestly, im not sure how this is going to work this time.. but i do hope its all for the best, for the both of us..

I had the brilliant chance just now, to tell my beloved granny about me dating this sweet lovely irish guy... but i couldnt even say it out... not because im afraid that she would disapprove of it.. its just that i dun want her to be disappointed if things didnt work out in the later part (which of cos i hope not).. maybe its just not the right time yet to tell her... its just not the right time to tell the family yet.. especially my ever-scrutinizing mum.. there's stil abt 1mth left.. i'll just have to wait til the day is comin near...

Sometimes i do feel that i must have been born on the wrong side of the world
Sometimes, being different from the typical girls that i've known since growing up, its not easy to to be myself one hundred percent..
Sometimes, i do think that i have this multiple personality disorder, of course not in the destructive way.. :) but in a good way..
Good in the sense that i have different group of friends whom loved the side ofme when im with them.. it does kinda balance my personalities ;)

How easy does one person fall in love with another?
What about falling out of love?
Given the exposure of all the temptations that are out there.. how long can one person restrain hiimself from falling into the trap?

Just like what i told one of my BFF, A, I know i can trust him, that's why i can do the long distance with him.
In the past r/s, it has all been the other one that i was with, who betrayed me, and so i did the same thing too.
Someone said, " When two people are together, it can either bring the best of each other or the worst"

Im not saying that all the past relationship has brought out the devilish me, its more of the circumstances that brought it out.

I have almost forgot about the idealistic part of me on relationship, especially after being through with the not-so-good ones.. ..

but this time, and the one before this, is slowly reminding myself of what i used to believe. . .

When two people are truly in love with each other, they will have to brave through all the dangers, storms, earthquakes together, by believing in each other and themselves.

As much as i dont really wanna admit to it, but i cant deny it too, about last night, and what i feel and think.. i did had a great night out with an old friend of mine, had my 1st beer after so long, dressing up n feeling great, it does brings back lots of good memories n feelings of being single n available, being in the field of the game of love.. The Good, Old, Wild Days..

Of course, i am already not like what i used to be, although we all knew there's always this wild side of me, in me somewhere. Everyone grows up, and so did i.

Being with someone now, who is an idealist, romantic in heart & so simple, someone whom i was like, before the wild, rebellious side of me was released, and got into the world of all temptations.. has made me more grounded than before, and careful of not falling into any of the traps of these temptations.. This is going to be a real test of perseverance, patience, trust, understanding, all in the name of true love.

I just hope that this time, there is no single dishonesty or lies in between us, from the beginning till the end.

I think and I feel that i might have already get onto another track, that i have not really fully realised it till now. . .
but of course, after now, that i had woke up from my own dream,
i am actually glad that im on this track.

I love every minute that we had spent together,
even til this moment when we are both in different countries, different continent, different time,
the way he makes me laugh, our small conversations, even to the tiniest details of the times that we had. . . it is heartwarming.

It is good to know and feel that he really loves me, and maybe i am really that important to him. just 6more weeks to go.. and i am excited to have him over here, even just for 3weeks. . .

Family time is slowly becoming important as i grow up, especially after being living away from home..
Just by being home, just having a simple dinner on a saturday evening.. all these simple things made me happy now.
I have always been a very easily content, easy to please person.
I am glad to have my family and my friends here. ;)

I wonder why some would think that i am not that strong. . .
although i do understand that they just want to protect me from the hurt that i would have. . .
but honestly, what is really good for me.. is to just tell me the truth. . .
let it hurt me now, then to be late. . .
and so that i can get over with it sooner, than later. . .
all i want is to hear it from you personally, so that i wont spend the time hoping, wishing. . .
and to actualy spend time to heal my wound, as it has always been. . .

Somehow, thanks for at least telling me (now) still. . .
although everytime i think of Japan, you comes into my mind. . .
you will always be there somewhere in there. . .
even till the day when it doesnt hurt anymore. ;)