Thursday, August 24, 2006

wat would u do if u know that u have advance cancer n u dun have much time left..?
how would u feel when u know that u are dying soon..?
how would u tell yr loved ones that you wanna go in peace when yr loved ones are reluctant to let u go..?
in wat way/manner would u wan to leave this beautiful world..?
have u ever thought of yr death wish list..?

honestly, i have & i had already thought of it when i was abt 21yrs old.. way b4 i even have my wedding plans.. im not a pessimistic person in nature, in fact im a veri optimistic one, but havin the opportunity to experience life & death due to the nature of my career.. i realised how vulnerable life can b.. how unpredictable life can be..

death can b scary for both the victims themselves & to the family.. traumatising.. hurting.. betrayal.. anger.. guilt.. lots of mixed feelings..

in the case of when i've to remain sane, i would always think of death is a way of relieving themselves from all these pain & suffering.. i always pray that they would go in peace, in a painless comfort way.. importantly, their family members should be by their side, til their last breath.. i would like to pass on wif my loved ones by my side too.. in the most peaceful way, i dun wan my loved ones to see me in suffering, til my last breath.. i sometimes do wonder, who wil b by my deathbed.. in wat manner/way/illness..

i know its kinda crazy n scary that y on earth am i thinking of all this, when im suppose to be enjoying my teenage yrs.. i shld b thinking of how to enjoy, wher to go, wat to buy, who to go out wif, stuffs like tat, wel, i did, its juz tat im oso thinking of things that pple usualy tryin hard to avoid, the more people try to hide or avoid.. the more i would be interested & would go thru in this simple yet complicated brain of mine.. i ponder on a lot of matters.. but i never worry abt them.. worry is not my forte.. i always think of the possibilities of things might turn out to be & always have something in mind to counteract/overcome it.. thats wat i like to do.. overcome the tough things, i find it a challenge, a test for myself..

i sometimes do tink of how would i feel, react when its my loved ones who are leaving the world, esp my grandma.. of cos she wil, one day to come, i had even rehearsed in my head on how would i feel/talk when the day comes.. honestly, i would never know until the fateful day comes.. im not cursing my grandma, dun get mistaken.. i love her, but i oso know tat she wil leave us one day.. ther's no eternity life.. the truth always hurt..

juz like i used to think that my 21st birthday was my happiest time in my life, but hell i was wrong.. when i found out the truth 1-2yrs after tat, it actualy turned out to be the worst time of my life, it was so unbelievable.. truth realli hurts.. it was hurting a lot.. can stil rem that i could actualy feel my heart being stabbed & ripped open wif a sharp knife.. tat was the most painful experience that i ever felt, emotionally i mean..

i've got over tat long time ago.. but the memory stil remain.. memories.. be it sweet, happy, sad, heartbreaking.. let it be memories, but rem the lesson tat u've learned from it & never make the same mistake twice.. one of my life philosophies.. ;)

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