Like i have mentioned, next week seems to be the 'happening' week.. and to add on some tension and stress to the suspense of 'waiting'.. it seems that P's mum has pieced everything together by herself and know about our relationship.. O M G is the first 3 letters that came across my mind and the next thing i felt.. worries.. i am really not ready yet.. i can understand totally about her worries, while i am thousand miles away, everything about us just doesnt seem to be working right.. but really.. all i want to say to her is, please do not worry.. we will work it out ourselves.. but oh god.. honestly.. i dont really like this kind of feeling when i can feel the suspicions, doubts, judgements, insecurities.. but i also dun want to make the same mistake again by freaking myself out before anything is really going to happen.. So now, I have to tell myself to stay calm, be strong, have faith and believe. im just hoping that and dont want him to face these stress, questions, doubts by himself..

Next week is going to be an exciting week, i think.. and i can feel it already.. :D

Awaiting for an offer from one of the main hosp in singapore.. awaiting for a reply from another hosp.. and of course, waiting for my tax refund from ireland, which is long overdue!!

Another good news or one thing i am really looking forward is having one of my girlies whom i know from dublin, is coming over to spore for xmas and new year! I am definitely missing the good company that i have been having from dublin so much!! Its not that i am not having fun with my friends here in singapore, but it is kinda totally different. ;)

Good things are definitely happening (finally) as the year of 2010 is coming to the end, and of cos the new year awaits. :)

Somehow, sometimes, i do have a little regrets of moving back home.. but it is also because that i have moved back to singapore, that has made Peter do all the small little things that have touched me in many ways.. Coming all the way to singapore for 3weeks for holidays.. despite of having a bad back and couldnt sleep on the long haul flight.. spending every single minute together for the 3 weeks he was here.. and he has asked me to go back to dublin.. even now, he is trying to learn mandarin on his ipod on his own.. even though i really want to go back there, but the difficult part is for me to get a job there, and it is not as easy as it used to be.. every day, everytime we chat on skype, it makes me miss him more and wished that i am back in dublin.. i miss everything back there, the city, my friends, the fashion.. lol ;)

Wish me all the luck, have faith & stay strong!! :)

Many things have happened since i came back home this summer. There are so people whom i grew closer to, and there are also a few whom i grew apart with.. Sadly to say, im refering to my family.. Lots of the old memories came back to me, true feelings were finally opened up to, and although i do understand of why he would behave that way to me, and none of us can change the past, we would have to live with it and get on with it. We cant choose our parents, that i know. And we just have to accept it, that i did. We all have to forgive and forget, that i tried and thought i did, but somehow, i dont really think so. But im blessed in a way, that i have my siblings to count on, and through all these years, we have indeed grown closer and we are actually the ones that keep the family together. We are all different but similar in some ways or another, loving & supporting one another in our own ways, that is one of the reasons why i came back home, because i dont want to miss the important part of my little nephew's growing up, and certainly dont want to miss the times that i can spend with my little brother before he settles down with his own family.

Last night had one of my worst night ever that i will never forget.. but it was also one of the 'best' night i had with my brother after the heart-to-heart talk..

It has been a long while since i had cried so hard over family matters, and last night i really hope it will be my last one. I could not even remember when was the last time when i had cried over family matters. Since i moved back home in june, this was the second time that i had a heated argument with my father. And once again, i felt like a total stranger, outsider in this household. Lots of memories, feelings came gushing back into my brain.. and it struck me last night.. That why did i leave the place in the beginning, how was i being treated so unfairly by my parents for all these years.. how unhappy i had been in the family when i was growing up, how unattached i was.. how much i want to be away from the family.. all these feelings came back to me.. Maybe its like this saying goes, "There are things that you can forgive, but will never forget" And yes, these are the ones.

Maybe its like what my brother said, Dad will only, has only been venting out on me, and not on the rest of the family members.. because i am just as stubborn as he is, and also that i was the reason why he got married in the first place... geez.. really, that was the first time it struck me.. yes, that totally make sense! but hey, seriously, that wasn't my fault at all!! They could have just aborted me, and save me from these unfair treatment. And yes, i know and i have got it over that i cant change or choose my parents, my family, and that was when i had forgiven them and accepted the cruel fact, but after all what i have done, and yet, that was what i was being treated back last night.. honestly, for that split second, i really want to give up, pack up and leave. But i didnt.. and i couldnt.. thinking and knowing that my brother has been the one backing the family up since i was gone, and the hardship that he had gone through.. it broke my heart. I really want to be by his side and support him, because it is my brother and sister whom i really came back for, wanting to spend more quality time with them, making up for the lost time since i was away. It is because of my siblings that i am still with this family, without them, i would not even want to try to keep this family strong and together.

Being different in this family is not easy, and honestly, it has been kinda lonely as well.. but now, since i know that my dear siblings are totally supportive & accepting of whom i am, i know that i dun have to worry about anything, but to just focus on myself and be happy.

Have faith, be strong & confident.

Happy Birthday to me today! :)
Waking up everyday is a blessing, as I am still alive.
Im glad that I am no longer sad when i see pics of C & his gf. Instead i felt a chill..
Guess Time really heals all wounds isnt?
Be it that i know C will always be somewhere hidden in my heart, but as long as he is happy, im good. :)
We might have missed each other's boat, but im glad that at least we have found another and we are happy.

Trial

Found this app on iTunes That enables me to post on blogger on my iPhone n finds this really cool!! 
One more day to Peter's arrival!!

As the day is drawing near for my sweet boyfriend to be here, the idea of having him over here, meetin my family and friends... i realised that i am starting to get cold feet....... (again)
I supposed to be very excited.. but i am very calm now... i remembered that whenever i used to get all excited about something/someone.. it always turned out bad... so as time goes, i have slowly changed that hyperexcitement to the super calmness... even in this relationship.. i am playing super cool too... keepin it low profile... just the total opposite from what i used to be/do...
honestly, im not sure how this is going to work this time.. but i do hope its all for the best, for the both of us..

I had the brilliant chance just now, to tell my beloved granny about me dating this sweet lovely irish guy... but i couldnt even say it out... not because im afraid that she would disapprove of it.. its just that i dun want her to be disappointed if things didnt work out in the later part (which of cos i hope not).. maybe its just not the right time yet to tell her... its just not the right time to tell the family yet.. especially my ever-scrutinizing mum.. there's stil abt 1mth left.. i'll just have to wait til the day is comin near...

Sometimes i do feel that i must have been born on the wrong side of the world
Sometimes, being different from the typical girls that i've known since growing up, its not easy to to be myself one hundred percent..
Sometimes, i do think that i have this multiple personality disorder, of course not in the destructive way.. :) but in a good way..
Good in the sense that i have different group of friends whom loved the side ofme when im with them.. it does kinda balance my personalities ;)

How easy does one person fall in love with another?
What about falling out of love?
Given the exposure of all the temptations that are out there.. how long can one person restrain hiimself from falling into the trap?

Just like what i told one of my BFF, A, I know i can trust him, that's why i can do the long distance with him.
In the past r/s, it has all been the other one that i was with, who betrayed me, and so i did the same thing too.
Someone said, " When two people are together, it can either bring the best of each other or the worst"

Im not saying that all the past relationship has brought out the devilish me, its more of the circumstances that brought it out.

I have almost forgot about the idealistic part of me on relationship, especially after being through with the not-so-good ones.. ..

but this time, and the one before this, is slowly reminding myself of what i used to believe. . .

When two people are truly in love with each other, they will have to brave through all the dangers, storms, earthquakes together, by believing in each other and themselves.

As much as i dont really wanna admit to it, but i cant deny it too, about last night, and what i feel and think.. i did had a great night out with an old friend of mine, had my 1st beer after so long, dressing up n feeling great, it does brings back lots of good memories n feelings of being single n available, being in the field of the game of love.. The Good, Old, Wild Days..

Of course, i am already not like what i used to be, although we all knew there's always this wild side of me, in me somewhere. Everyone grows up, and so did i.

Being with someone now, who is an idealist, romantic in heart & so simple, someone whom i was like, before the wild, rebellious side of me was released, and got into the world of all temptations.. has made me more grounded than before, and careful of not falling into any of the traps of these temptations.. This is going to be a real test of perseverance, patience, trust, understanding, all in the name of true love.

I just hope that this time, there is no single dishonesty or lies in between us, from the beginning till the end.

I think and I feel that i might have already get onto another track, that i have not really fully realised it till now. . .
but of course, after now, that i had woke up from my own dream,
i am actually glad that im on this track.

I love every minute that we had spent together,
even til this moment when we are both in different countries, different continent, different time,
the way he makes me laugh, our small conversations, even to the tiniest details of the times that we had. . . it is heartwarming.

It is good to know and feel that he really loves me, and maybe i am really that important to him. just 6more weeks to go.. and i am excited to have him over here, even just for 3weeks. . .

Family time is slowly becoming important as i grow up, especially after being living away from home..
Just by being home, just having a simple dinner on a saturday evening.. all these simple things made me happy now.
I have always been a very easily content, easy to please person.
I am glad to have my family and my friends here. ;)

I wonder why some would think that i am not that strong. . .
although i do understand that they just want to protect me from the hurt that i would have. . .
but honestly, what is really good for me.. is to just tell me the truth. . .
let it hurt me now, then to be late. . .
and so that i can get over with it sooner, than later. . .
all i want is to hear it from you personally, so that i wont spend the time hoping, wishing. . .
and to actualy spend time to heal my wound, as it has always been. . .

Somehow, thanks for at least telling me (now) still. . .
although everytime i think of Japan, you comes into my mind. . .
you will always be there somewhere in there. . .
even till the day when it doesnt hurt anymore. ;)

There's always this saying, 'The best is always the one that you can't have'
Guess there is some truth in it :)
Sometimes, no matter how deep you try to bury the feelings down in the heart,
no matter how hard you have tried to let it all go,
somehow, it still hurts..
Let time heal the wounds, and it will not hurt anymore.

Finally the chapter is closed, but i wasnt expecting it to hurt so much, all over again...

It is never easy to mend a broken heart,
Never easy to let go of someone whom u really loved,
But when its time to let go.. or when the one whom you loved has already let you go,
U know the time is here.

Things always happen for a reason, and i still believed that..

Somehow, the time has come.

Time to close the door completely, and open the other.

I once used to imagine how my ideal man should be, like, he must be taller than me, older than me, not more than 4years, someone who has his own ambition, inspiration, sporty, humourous, smart etc etc..
and i did went out with these so call ideal guys and loved them.. but i ended up being hurt each and everytime.. the biggest fall i had was the 5yrs relationship with whom i almost wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. someone whom i have changed myself so much that i dont know myself anymore. someone whom had betrayed my trust behind my back, maybe many times that i dont really know as i had not ever faced it. All these betrayal, hurt that i have experienced through my growing up days.. had made me stronger, and more sure of what kind of person i want to be with, and somehow in a way that i dont get into a relationship that easily too..

Trust has to be earned, from me, in this case. In friends, yes, that can be easy. But to be with me, its not so easy anymore.

When im away from home, i really found this someone whom i really want to spend my life with. Age was not a problem when we started. But as time went by, and things are slowly getting a little serious, i got cold feet.. i was watching the movie, Rebound, and it reminded me of what i was scared of.. i remembered telling him that he should be doing things that what usually people around his age should be doing, travelling round the world etc.. and not settling down with me etc.. it was almost the same with what the movie was showing... Hah! It was kinda weird..
Im glad the movie ended good. although im not too sure about my future, but im glad we still managed to keep the friendship.

And now, being in this new relationship, with someone who is younger, by 3years, instead of 8years.. everything is going on pretty well. Though it is now a long distance relationship, which is going to be so much tougher.. gues, other than hardwork, trust, and patience, Love & Fate & Destiny will reveal my Mr Right when the time is right. :)

How many people dislike tests, examinations when they were in school? Guess i belong to the minority who actually do think that having all the tests and examinations are a good way of testing myself on what i have learned for the year.

How many people realise that actually LIFE is full of tests? Honestly, this thought just came to me tonight. That life has always been a journey of tests, examinations for everyone of us. The tests does not end when we graduated from school. I remembered that someone used to said that he/she was really happy to finish education, so that there will be no more tests/examinations... ... Think of it, how many people you know, or even yourself, did said something like that too before.. ..

Life, to me, has always been a challenge, an adventure, a journey, that we make our own decisions, choose the path that we want to go, and embrace whatever that is coming. Even though the road might be tough at times, or maybe a lot more for some others.. Patience, Perseverence and Luck will eventually bring you to the place that you want to be.

Upon reflection of myself, i know that i used to take Life seriously. Sometimes, maybe too serious that I have set very high standards on myself, and eventually, to the people around me too.. Of course, there is always two sides of the coin that one has to look at. I'm glad that i have grown and learned so many things from all the people around me. I'm thankful to all the close friends who have been with me for these years, for their patience, love and understanding to me. I'm always thankful to my family too, and of course not forgetting those whom i had worked with, who have been such an inspiration, the encouragement and support that they have been to me.

As for now, being back home in singapore after almost 4years, has been a wise decision. And surprisingly, for the last 10years of being in the working force, i have finally stop, slowing down my pace. I am doing exactly the opposite of what i had been doing since i can ever remember.

Sometimes, in life, One do have to slow down and smell the roses along the way. Things that One thought that he already know, might not be the same now when he actually stop and look at it again.

1st June - the day when i am officially back in Singapore, after spending almost 4yrs in dublin.
I had thought about this for almost a year, and when i had made my final decision, i believed i had made the right decision.

It was not hard to hand in my resignation letter. I remembered that i felt a total relief when i left the ward after tendering the letter. I knew that i did the right thing.

I knew that the difficult part is actually to leave my friends, but the most difficult part is to leave Peter as well..

I should be happy when i touched down in Singapore, but i was actually balling my eyes out again, even after crying for the last 2days in dublin.. I miss him so much already, miss my life in dublin..

I dont know what will happen in the future, but i am looking forward for the challenges that will coming up to me.

Im grateful and thankful for my supportive family and friends. I am home now because of you.

It doesnt take me long to know if i can get along with a person,
and it also doesnt take much for me to dislike a person either.
I had one of the greatest time today spending with some fellow singaporeans friends.
I think this is one of my greatest forte, being with people, other than dogs ;)
Im going to miss all the friends that i had made in dublin here.....

My heart actualy skipped a beat, felt a little sore, and eyes were about to get teary, when i saw my sister put up pictures of my parents & my siblings..
At that moment, i wished how much i was there with them..
I cant help myself but to look through the pictures over and over again
and to realised how much my parents have aged,
and of cos my dear sister and brother too, have both grown up.. so much
Why do i have a kind of feeling that i am the only one who seems to have stopped growing..
Or Maybe i should put it this way,
that i have grown up too, but not together with my family,
especially for the last 4years for being away from home.
This time, it has really striked me that i really do miss home, and i want to be with my family.
Although it is not going to be easy to leave this place that i have grown to love, having my own life here, but somehow deep inside, i know that i have made the right decision.
And definitely, i still have a reason to come back here again anyway.
somehow or another, i believe it is so.

Was going through some of my schoolmates pictures on their FB page, and realised how times had passed and how almost eveyrone has changed over these years.

Come to think of it, most of my classmates, and even most of my friends are already married, most of them with kids, even for my little sister too! But honestly, i still don't even feel any pressure about getting married, or even having my own kids! ;)

Now, feeling that i could be different from the rest of my friends.. ;)
well, its not something that i am ashamed of, because i have always wanted to be different from others anyway.

I always dont like to just follow what is on the trend, follow peoples' track..
I always been the one who doesnt conform to rules. ;)
Wel, rules that doesnt make sense, or those which i think that can be bended (at least)

Things are so much easier & clearer when decision is made, and everything seems to make more sense. ;)

Just hopefully all will go smoothly from now on.

This is my first time having no exact plans of what, where i want to be, or what to do, but strangely enough, i wasn't even worry about it.

It might seem to be wrong, but it felt right at the same time too..

Once you have loved someone with almost all yr heart, you will never forget the person no matter how long you are apart.
He will always have this place in my heart, no matter what happens, no matter where i am.
His name, his face, everything about him, is just like a tattoo in my heart, it will never be erased.

Of cos life still goes on, and im pretty sure he did too, that is prob also one of our ways to prove the love for each other, that we will still move on with our lives even though we are apart now.

Maybe our paths will cross again, if destiny brings us together once more, in this big world of ours. ;)

It is really disappointing to once again see n experienced how selfish one can be, especially when the selfish one is one of my colleagues. Being in the healthcare profession, maybe naively i thought all of us are kind of the same.. Giving unconditionally.. but of cos, the nature of humans.. sometimes it can be really disheartening..

After going through this ugly scene.. it confirms my decision to leave is right afterall.
Being in this profession, i think i have seen enough the good, the kind, and of cos the bad ones too..
And it is also because of this exposure of the real life, it only makes me even stronger than i thought i can be.

Someone once ask me, why do i love watching movies? Why live in the imagination of other's lives in the movies than being in my own?
That is because, mine is already full of adventures, stories, colors, than sometimes its better than see other's lives and imagine being in it, sometimes ordinary and simple is good too.. it helps me to slow down my pace & to appreciate the simple things in life.

Librans are always trying to find a balance.. indeed i am.

The time for me to take it slow is coming near, i can feel it already, and honestly, i am looking forward to it too. Maybe it is time to catch up with me soon, my dear friends. ;)

Sometimes there are no reason why you want to do something,
no explanation to why you feel the way you do.
Sometimes you just know that you have to do it.
There are always things that happen in life around you that neither explanation or reason is needed.
Sometimes you just have to listen to your heart, feel it in your heart.

Maybe after this 2weeks of break from work, will help me to get over the dilemma that has been troubling me for the last week.
Hopefully, i will be able to get some answers in my heart.
I need to be able to feel it once again, before it drives me nuts.

There are times when no matter how hard you try, the harder you try to make it better, things will go worse

Sometimes, even when you know you had done yr best, done all the right things, still it might not turn out right.

Sometimes, even when you know how much you really love the person, still you will have to let it go.

When someone has given up hope in life, it doesn't matter how hard others try to save it.

The year 2010 aka the year of TIGER, and just because of the number of 2010, i truly believes & hopes that this year is going to be gret one for me. ;) because of my birthday is 20th October
But as according to the lunar calendar, the year 2010 is only starting frm 14 Feb, so guess would have to wait til then, and then we´ll see hw this new year wil go for me.

Year 2009 has definitely not been the smoothest year for me, as i can remember till now..
even for last week, i had the weirdest n scariest dreams for 3 consecutive ´nites´
I actualy dreamt of spirits/ghosts, and there was once where it really felt so real that i can still remembered till now.. still sent a chill down my spine though..

My eyes were closed, and i heard someone in my apartment, heard the footsteps, coming closer & then i felt that it was on top of me, i couldnt breathe, couldnt make any sound, and all i did, was to pray. When i finaly can open my eyes, all was still the same. It was really weird, cos this is the 1st time that i dreamt of this.

And before that nite, i had another ´dream´.. that i really heard Peter´s voice, just right beside me, asking me a question.. the voice was just right beside my ear.

Honestly, this kinda disturbs me, cos i dont usualy dream when im asleep. and having 3dreams consecutively.. this is really unusual..

Will go to get the book once i get the time to go to the bookshop.

The last time i browse through the book in the bookshop is when i actualy dreamt of my brother came to visit me in dublin, but he was dead from the plane crash when on the way to dublin to give me a surprise visit.. it was his spririt that i saw. Gosh! i was horrified!! i remembered that i woke up crying so hard, and called home right away to make sure that he is alright, and was warning him to be careful, and he was kinda joking and reassuring me that it was the ´Ghost month´ as well.. .. .. ..

right now, im in Malaga, Spain, for almost a week, and everything is going on well, like the usual, dreamless nights. Im hoping that it will stay like this when i go back to my own apt in dublin.. ..